Long Road

It's been a while. But I guess it needed to be a while.
I've had a pretty interesting experience.... but life goes on. Time waits for no one.

I'm single... a lot happened. But let me just say it needs to be this way for a while. No, he did nothing wrong... I went too far with loving him and God pulled me out. That's how i can sum it up. Too much details. I still talk to him. But i have to get over him. I need to or else i'll never be okay.

But i guess with every breakup comes pain. I'd pour my heart out on tumblr but i have followers on there.. lol. All i'm saying is I love writing about my personal life on here. I don't know why. It just feels free.

I've grown since the last post. I'm no longer insecure about a lot of things. I'm me. I've learned to accept that because I'm going to be me for a looooooooooooooooong time. I'm learning a lot about me too i guess. Stuff like i HATE feeling lonely and alone. I don't even mind being alone. I like it... It's not bad. But i DESPISE feeling lonely. I hate wanting someone to love. I COULD go back and be with my boyfriend... but I have to leave him. I don't know how to love people properly.

It's like this.... I can't balance loving him and loving God as well. It's one or the other. And you know who i picked. I thought it would be easy. But it's not. It's harder than i thought.

I thought i could let go and we could just "be friends" and chill. But it's not going that way. I can't just "be friends" with him. It's hard. I don't know.... i feel like i can't do this.

BUT- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me :)

It's hard.

Another thing i learned is that i fear unhappiness. And more, i fear happiness without God. HE has to be in everything i do and i HAVE to be happy with all that He does. Because once i forget Him, everything goes wrong.

That is also hard.... Because right now i feel like i can't find comfort in Him. But this too shall pass.

Man can't save me.... but I'm on a road toward God. And I hope i get there safe and sound.
That is all.

Goodbye.

I miss my boyfriend

i know this is probably the stupidest thing to blog about but this is frikin ridiculous. you dont have to read it. i'm just blogging about my oh so miserable life again. i dont really care.
you know? it's true what they say. Money can't buy happiness. like i thought everything would be fixed once we get a little money because we are really struggling in this recession. So we got the money. but it brought be temporary happiness. I'm sad right now. not even happy. i miss my boyfriend. it's crazy. i dont wanna sound like a whining old spoiled teenager BUT

IT'S BEEN TWO FCKING MONTHS!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!?? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!

and i miss him so much it's sad :( i guess now i know what people go through. It's ridiculous though. I never planned on liking him so much...but whatever.
everything happens for a reason right?...........
well just wanted to blog about that. and you CAN miss someone so much it hurts.
it hurts sometimes. like in my chest :
Sometimes i wonder why i even do this....im hurting myself.

26th post!

Hey guys, me again. i know. i went AWOL didn't i? well this post is pretty special to me and the good thing about blogger is that not everyone reads these things and not every one signs on so you can have some deep secrets on here and no one will ever know!

ok well i'm going to blog about my bucket list but first i would like to write some pretty mushy stuff lol. don't read at your own risk :) no I'm kidding. you can. but it's like really corny and cheezy and whatnot so really all you want to do is basically glide on down to the bucket list.

ok. the Cheesy stuff: I think i love my boyfriend. lol. no seriously.I mean yes, i know love is a pretty strong word to be throwing around but that's all people say. strong "word". not a strong "feeling". Now i know what you're all thinking. I'm young and shit, and i completely agree with you. i don't know what love is. but uhhh i'm feeling things that i dont usually feel. lmao. see how cheesy this is? But ok let's get to the point. he's like my 5th relationship?....i think. I'm not too big on dating and having boyfriends. I'm not the type that gets one every other month. I'm conservative :) but as i was saying...i love him like a best friend already. I mean you gotta love your dude or dudette lol (*cough*Blaze*cough*). I'm not talking about the passionate love...yet. but yeah i mean he's awesome and funny and nice and all that good stuff and i love him for it. but lately... it's crossing the friendship line. slowly. very slowly but i can see it happening. it's not the same. and then idk...just things i cant explain. but i guess i just wanted to put it out there....i think...i THINK i love my boyfriend lol. and in case you're wondering it's been 3 months :) but i won't say anything to him about it lol. I'll wait till i'm sure.
Whenever that is.

Ok now to my bucket list! yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! lol. this stuff you'll be happy to see. It's things i wanna do before i die. and these are not in a particular order.

-Get on a swing at a playground in the middle of the night... and just stay there for the night :)
-Feel what it's like without gravity
-Kiss a stranger
-Kiss a girl (hehehe...)
-Meet Chris Martin (and maybe have sex. who knows? LOL)
-Attend a Coldplay concert
-Meet a violinist and head him/her play it to me personally
-Help a child with cancer
-Lay under the stars with a dude i absolutely ADORE <3
-Sleep outside during a nice summer day
-Attend Mardi Gras
-Have some "fun" in an elevator
-Give a wet willy (lmao)
-fall in love? - haha
-Attack a hobo then run away
-go downtown with some Margarita and go crazy
-Meet Lil Wayne and Kanye (i know. i know. no comment.)
-be able to break dance
-do a split
-eat a whole pizza
-run at least 6 miles in a day
-play some serious soccer with professionals
-Visit Egypt. i really wanna see those pyramids
-be a wedding planner
-Party in Cali till 4 in the morning
-sleep in the same bed with 5 other people (that i KNOW.) lol.
-have a great relationship with God
-reach the ultimate sate of IRIE
-love till lemons become sweeeeeeeeeet :)
-Meet a man who served in WWI and WWII
-meet a man who served in Iraq
-go to China and Japan
-Mess around with a hot Asian
-Party in New York
-Run down the hallway in school screaming FIREEEEE. lmao.

im not done yet. but these are just a few things on the list.
im done with my blog now.

Twenty Ten

Hey hey hey. Hi there lol. This is my first blog of 2010 and i plan on making it worth reading. So get ready to read something...i guess haha.
Well 2009 is over and i've lived through it. I didn't die and i am so grateful for that. I think that this is going to be a better year though. It already started right for me. I have the bestest friends in the world and i freaking love them.
Today is the last day of Winter Break for us so you already I'm dreading school tomorrow lol. i really don't want to go. And you know why I don't want to go back?
It's because i haven't missed anyone... AT ALL! I really don't like the school i go to. If it were my old school, I'd probably be excited to go back and see the people i truly love. But noooooooo, i have to go to this stupid stupid stupid school and see people that i truly despise. Ok, maybe that's too strong. I have to see people i don't really like. And i guess that's the part that's pissing me off. I'm not looking forward to anything when i go back. I guess i'll just suck it up though. One more semester and I'm a senior. OMFG!!!! I'M GOING TO BE A SENIOR! I GRADUATE NEXT YEAR!!!
OWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [by the way, that's my new "happy" expression" lol]

Ok, well this year started off pretty good for me. I decided my all time resolution is to be more happier. Like MAKE the good outweigh the bad you know? Last year i didn't do much of that. I was a little pessimistic...ok no, i was a lot pessimistic. That resolution is very important to me because i experienced what it felt like not to be happy. Trust me, it is not good. i want to look on the bright side of life now....wherever that is. and if it doesn't exist then i'll make one :]
umm well here are my new year's resolution anyways(excluding the one i just said).

1. Get my license
2. Get in shape
3. Stop getting on facebook everyday
4. Be more motivated about school
5. MAKE time!!

Well that's all i have so far. especially that last one because i never have time for things anymore. ohh which reminds me, right now i'm "pampering" myself lmao. noo i'm just putting on some nail polish and i'll do my hair when i'm done lol. that reminds me, i took my weave out and it looks a mess haha. not really, but you know, i can work it lol.

ohh by the way, i got THREE best friends. only 3. and i hope it stays that way too. It's Kim, Blaze and Hang. simple as that. and i don't want other people to butt in either lol. but hey, if you need love you can call me :]
and not the nasty way either lol.

Ummm my boyfriend and I are doing pretty good too. It's actually kinda weird, he's more like my best friend....which is pretty awesome because i can tell him anything and he can tell me anything too. I think i like this relationship lmao. But no seriously, i'm kinda grateful.
This year, Santa blessed me with a digital camera :] and I've been having fun with it. but no pictures yet, sorry =( I'm on the desktop now and it isn't as fast as the laptop so i'll upload pictures in my next post i guess. Santa also blessed me with bigger boobs ;] that pervert! lol. Not it's true though, they've actually gotten bigger. Though i'm not sure anyone wanted to know that.....

and my relationship with God is getting fixed too :] I'm working on it, i am. and i'll find a church this year too. i need to. and everything will be all right.....

I am most definitely MOST DEFINITELY STILL in love with Coldplay. They are the best band ever. i swear i can relate to every single song they sing. and their songs are not ALL about the same thing. I swear, God sent them to Earth. I think they are underrated. if i ever see Chris Martin in a mall, i'm gonna rape him. I don't care if there are people around, we're going to make sweet violent LOVE <3 LMAO!

*sigh* i crack myself up. guysss guess what? i turn 18 this year!! whooo! i know i know, i'm getting old. but hey, it's bound to happen. Oh by the way, i discovered another musical genius. His name is Kanye West. and i know everyone hates him because of what he did at the awards but I am so into this dude right now it's not even funny. His music be banging lmao. noooo really though, he makes me THINK! i listened to "See You In My Nightmares" and i was like damn. and also a lot of his other songs, i can't really name them all but he be speaking the truth shawdyyy lol. Pinocchio is also good. It's one of his songs lol. And so much more..so much more.

Wow, I've been blogging a lot haven't i? well this is the end. yeah, i have no more to say. I'm getting ready for school now and i have to sneak a nap in here somehow lol. soooo yeah, i'll go dry my clothes in the dryer now and wash dishes and fix my hair later on. Blaze you should be happy, i blogged sooooooooooooooo much!!!!
but yeah i promised you it was something worth reading...or not. But it's something THOUGH!!

well I'm going to leave now. ohhh by the way, i just remembered I'm going to be doing soccer this year so yeahh, that ought to get me in shape.

Ok i'm done rambling. I'll blog later. thanks for reading if you did.

God Bless <33