Long Road

It's been a while. But I guess it needed to be a while.
I've had a pretty interesting experience.... but life goes on. Time waits for no one.

I'm single... a lot happened. But let me just say it needs to be this way for a while. No, he did nothing wrong... I went too far with loving him and God pulled me out. That's how i can sum it up. Too much details. I still talk to him. But i have to get over him. I need to or else i'll never be okay.

But i guess with every breakup comes pain. I'd pour my heart out on tumblr but i have followers on there.. lol. All i'm saying is I love writing about my personal life on here. I don't know why. It just feels free.

I've grown since the last post. I'm no longer insecure about a lot of things. I'm me. I've learned to accept that because I'm going to be me for a looooooooooooooooong time. I'm learning a lot about me too i guess. Stuff like i HATE feeling lonely and alone. I don't even mind being alone. I like it... It's not bad. But i DESPISE feeling lonely. I hate wanting someone to love. I COULD go back and be with my boyfriend... but I have to leave him. I don't know how to love people properly.

It's like this.... I can't balance loving him and loving God as well. It's one or the other. And you know who i picked. I thought it would be easy. But it's not. It's harder than i thought.

I thought i could let go and we could just "be friends" and chill. But it's not going that way. I can't just "be friends" with him. It's hard. I don't know.... i feel like i can't do this.

BUT- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me :)

It's hard.

Another thing i learned is that i fear unhappiness. And more, i fear happiness without God. HE has to be in everything i do and i HAVE to be happy with all that He does. Because once i forget Him, everything goes wrong.

That is also hard.... Because right now i feel like i can't find comfort in Him. But this too shall pass.

Man can't save me.... but I'm on a road toward God. And I hope i get there safe and sound.
That is all.

Goodbye.

I miss my boyfriend

i know this is probably the stupidest thing to blog about but this is frikin ridiculous. you dont have to read it. i'm just blogging about my oh so miserable life again. i dont really care.
you know? it's true what they say. Money can't buy happiness. like i thought everything would be fixed once we get a little money because we are really struggling in this recession. So we got the money. but it brought be temporary happiness. I'm sad right now. not even happy. i miss my boyfriend. it's crazy. i dont wanna sound like a whining old spoiled teenager BUT

IT'S BEEN TWO FCKING MONTHS!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!?? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!

and i miss him so much it's sad :( i guess now i know what people go through. It's ridiculous though. I never planned on liking him so much...but whatever.
everything happens for a reason right?...........
well just wanted to blog about that. and you CAN miss someone so much it hurts.
it hurts sometimes. like in my chest :
Sometimes i wonder why i even do this....im hurting myself.

26th post!

Hey guys, me again. i know. i went AWOL didn't i? well this post is pretty special to me and the good thing about blogger is that not everyone reads these things and not every one signs on so you can have some deep secrets on here and no one will ever know!

ok well i'm going to blog about my bucket list but first i would like to write some pretty mushy stuff lol. don't read at your own risk :) no I'm kidding. you can. but it's like really corny and cheezy and whatnot so really all you want to do is basically glide on down to the bucket list.

ok. the Cheesy stuff: I think i love my boyfriend. lol. no seriously.I mean yes, i know love is a pretty strong word to be throwing around but that's all people say. strong "word". not a strong "feeling". Now i know what you're all thinking. I'm young and shit, and i completely agree with you. i don't know what love is. but uhhh i'm feeling things that i dont usually feel. lmao. see how cheesy this is? But ok let's get to the point. he's like my 5th relationship?....i think. I'm not too big on dating and having boyfriends. I'm not the type that gets one every other month. I'm conservative :) but as i was saying...i love him like a best friend already. I mean you gotta love your dude or dudette lol (*cough*Blaze*cough*). I'm not talking about the passionate love...yet. but yeah i mean he's awesome and funny and nice and all that good stuff and i love him for it. but lately... it's crossing the friendship line. slowly. very slowly but i can see it happening. it's not the same. and then idk...just things i cant explain. but i guess i just wanted to put it out there....i think...i THINK i love my boyfriend lol. and in case you're wondering it's been 3 months :) but i won't say anything to him about it lol. I'll wait till i'm sure.
Whenever that is.

Ok now to my bucket list! yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! lol. this stuff you'll be happy to see. It's things i wanna do before i die. and these are not in a particular order.

-Get on a swing at a playground in the middle of the night... and just stay there for the night :)
-Feel what it's like without gravity
-Kiss a stranger
-Kiss a girl (hehehe...)
-Meet Chris Martin (and maybe have sex. who knows? LOL)
-Attend a Coldplay concert
-Meet a violinist and head him/her play it to me personally
-Help a child with cancer
-Lay under the stars with a dude i absolutely ADORE <3
-Sleep outside during a nice summer day
-Attend Mardi Gras
-Have some "fun" in an elevator
-Give a wet willy (lmao)
-fall in love? - haha
-Attack a hobo then run away
-go downtown with some Margarita and go crazy
-Meet Lil Wayne and Kanye (i know. i know. no comment.)
-be able to break dance
-do a split
-eat a whole pizza
-run at least 6 miles in a day
-play some serious soccer with professionals
-Visit Egypt. i really wanna see those pyramids
-be a wedding planner
-Party in Cali till 4 in the morning
-sleep in the same bed with 5 other people (that i KNOW.) lol.
-have a great relationship with God
-reach the ultimate sate of IRIE
-love till lemons become sweeeeeeeeeet :)
-Meet a man who served in WWI and WWII
-meet a man who served in Iraq
-go to China and Japan
-Mess around with a hot Asian
-Party in New York
-Run down the hallway in school screaming FIREEEEE. lmao.

im not done yet. but these are just a few things on the list.
im done with my blog now.

Twenty Ten

Hey hey hey. Hi there lol. This is my first blog of 2010 and i plan on making it worth reading. So get ready to read something...i guess haha.
Well 2009 is over and i've lived through it. I didn't die and i am so grateful for that. I think that this is going to be a better year though. It already started right for me. I have the bestest friends in the world and i freaking love them.
Today is the last day of Winter Break for us so you already I'm dreading school tomorrow lol. i really don't want to go. And you know why I don't want to go back?
It's because i haven't missed anyone... AT ALL! I really don't like the school i go to. If it were my old school, I'd probably be excited to go back and see the people i truly love. But noooooooo, i have to go to this stupid stupid stupid school and see people that i truly despise. Ok, maybe that's too strong. I have to see people i don't really like. And i guess that's the part that's pissing me off. I'm not looking forward to anything when i go back. I guess i'll just suck it up though. One more semester and I'm a senior. OMFG!!!! I'M GOING TO BE A SENIOR! I GRADUATE NEXT YEAR!!!
OWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [by the way, that's my new "happy" expression" lol]

Ok, well this year started off pretty good for me. I decided my all time resolution is to be more happier. Like MAKE the good outweigh the bad you know? Last year i didn't do much of that. I was a little pessimistic...ok no, i was a lot pessimistic. That resolution is very important to me because i experienced what it felt like not to be happy. Trust me, it is not good. i want to look on the bright side of life now....wherever that is. and if it doesn't exist then i'll make one :]
umm well here are my new year's resolution anyways(excluding the one i just said).

1. Get my license
2. Get in shape
3. Stop getting on facebook everyday
4. Be more motivated about school
5. MAKE time!!

Well that's all i have so far. especially that last one because i never have time for things anymore. ohh which reminds me, right now i'm "pampering" myself lmao. noo i'm just putting on some nail polish and i'll do my hair when i'm done lol. that reminds me, i took my weave out and it looks a mess haha. not really, but you know, i can work it lol.

ohh by the way, i got THREE best friends. only 3. and i hope it stays that way too. It's Kim, Blaze and Hang. simple as that. and i don't want other people to butt in either lol. but hey, if you need love you can call me :]
and not the nasty way either lol.

Ummm my boyfriend and I are doing pretty good too. It's actually kinda weird, he's more like my best friend....which is pretty awesome because i can tell him anything and he can tell me anything too. I think i like this relationship lmao. But no seriously, i'm kinda grateful.
This year, Santa blessed me with a digital camera :] and I've been having fun with it. but no pictures yet, sorry =( I'm on the desktop now and it isn't as fast as the laptop so i'll upload pictures in my next post i guess. Santa also blessed me with bigger boobs ;] that pervert! lol. Not it's true though, they've actually gotten bigger. Though i'm not sure anyone wanted to know that.....

and my relationship with God is getting fixed too :] I'm working on it, i am. and i'll find a church this year too. i need to. and everything will be all right.....

I am most definitely MOST DEFINITELY STILL in love with Coldplay. They are the best band ever. i swear i can relate to every single song they sing. and their songs are not ALL about the same thing. I swear, God sent them to Earth. I think they are underrated. if i ever see Chris Martin in a mall, i'm gonna rape him. I don't care if there are people around, we're going to make sweet violent LOVE <3 LMAO!

*sigh* i crack myself up. guysss guess what? i turn 18 this year!! whooo! i know i know, i'm getting old. but hey, it's bound to happen. Oh by the way, i discovered another musical genius. His name is Kanye West. and i know everyone hates him because of what he did at the awards but I am so into this dude right now it's not even funny. His music be banging lmao. noooo really though, he makes me THINK! i listened to "See You In My Nightmares" and i was like damn. and also a lot of his other songs, i can't really name them all but he be speaking the truth shawdyyy lol. Pinocchio is also good. It's one of his songs lol. And so much more..so much more.

Wow, I've been blogging a lot haven't i? well this is the end. yeah, i have no more to say. I'm getting ready for school now and i have to sneak a nap in here somehow lol. soooo yeah, i'll go dry my clothes in the dryer now and wash dishes and fix my hair later on. Blaze you should be happy, i blogged sooooooooooooooo much!!!!
but yeah i promised you it was something worth reading...or not. But it's something THOUGH!!

well I'm going to leave now. ohhh by the way, i just remembered I'm going to be doing soccer this year so yeahh, that ought to get me in shape.

Ok i'm done rambling. I'll blog later. thanks for reading if you did.

God Bless <33

So Alone

hey guys. yeah Blaze is forcing me to blog. her Philipina self lol. but yeah i dont really have anything to blog about. only one thing to be exact.

have you ever felt ALONE?

No, i'm not talking about loneliness like you need a partner and stuff. no, i'm just talking about being alone. like no friends or family or anything. just alone. plain alone.
i feel that way right now. don't get me wrong. i have the amazing-est best friends in my life but it's just hard sometimes. Both of my best friends live far away and it's hard to just...do that. ugh.
i feel alone. like i have nothing and nobody. and i feel like im holding onto things i should let go off. it's hard. i dont really know how to explain this. and i can't find my way out. i don't really want to make a long post but Blaze this song isn't helping me at all lol. i wish there was a cure for every kind of pain you know? it would be so easier to live. so much easier.
well i think that's it. i'm gonna go write a poem now. bye.

( i know reading my blog was a waste of time. sorry :[ )

It's Like A Drug

soooo hey guys, i'm blogging again. i knoww, in the same month too lol. ok well the reason why i'm blogging is because of this topic that came up at our lunch table.Um, my friend Rebkea came up with the question actually. she asked, "what is the point of teen relationships?" and well, you know how they tell us we're too young to be in love right? well i agreed with that, but then she was like, if you're too young then what's the point of being in a relationship?

So i answer, it's the feeling you get. She asked, what was the feeling? and i told her that she won't understand how it feels until she's in a relationship. it's this greaatt feeling of having that significant other. idk how to explain it, but then, it hit me. Relationships/love is like weed. or any drug you like.

you see, you won't know the feeling until you're in a relationship. Same as weed. You wont know what it feels like till you have some. It's probably the greatest feeling in the world....but it could also destroy you. Just like marijuana can. you get it? and i realize that we always crave for it because we're humans and we get lonely. IDK it just HIT me today. i get why we want it now. it's a drug and we never want to let that feeling go. we love being in love and sometimes it destroys us. Just like we are with drugs.

and then she asked me what if you breakup? is the pain worth it?

and i said something i never thought i would say in my whole entire life.

I replied YES.

and i see this quote all the fcking time, the one that says "I'd rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"....or something like that lol. and i know it's so cliche but i actually understand it now. and i agree, i'd rather have had that feeling and felt the excitement and got my "high" off of MY boyfriend, rather than not have felt anything at all. Because if i've never felt it, i would never know how good it could be.
And the break up? yeah, the pain is worth it. because i can look back and at least say i got a little taste of something i've never had before. i can look back and smile. and not only that, i know better.
It's the same as marijuana. Quitting is hard because it brings out the worst in you. It's hard and it brings a lot of pain, just like a breakup. but you gotta do it.
But it differs because some people still WANT to be in a relationship. they still want to be loved, they want to love. because us humans love to love.
On the other hand, if you quit weed i dont think you'd wanna go back to it lol.

So this is why I'm blogging, because this thing just hit me today. Love is a drug and we crave it. We need it and once we have that quick hit it's hard to let go. But in the end, when we're suffering, can we say it's worth it?

That's for YOU to answer.

I will say yes. Because i've had the feeling. i'v felt it. i lived it. and i fvking loved it =] and before i leave, here's a quote i saw that i really loved. there's this other one i loved mroe but i want to post it on here only after my next "high". (and i'm not talking about Marijuana LOL).

"I don't fear insects or spiders. At great heights, I jump off, smiling. In the face of death I wink. But, when I look into your eyes, I'm in fear of how much I love you." Anon

and here's a song that really explain what i'm trying to say to you. It's "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson. Man, i fcking love her! lol. and here's a quote from the song. i love it so much.

"I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
-Addicted.

here it is.

Long Time No Blog

Wow. i haven't blogged in a really long time. I think i actually have broken the record for the most "non-blogger" on here lol. but actually, i'm doing this for Blaze Bugs so the whole blog is dedicated to her!! (be happy you LOSER =)) ILY.

ok so let's start. hmmm recently what has happened? well school has acutally been fun until i failed that precal quiz. and i though i did soooooooo good. oh and we did a debate. and i won. but that's not really what i want to talk about...and i know it lol.

i want to talk about my new dude hehe =) i like him lots. well in case you didn't know, i have a boyfriend now. though i only have like 5 followers so i think they do know lol. well it's the dude that was my date to homecoming. i dont wanna put any names on here. but yeah, he's pretty amazing. like i never stop smiling when i talk to him =)
well i do. cuz sometimes he's a little smartass but he's pretty awesome. and when i say i love him, i dont mean i'm in love with him. i love him like i love my best friend. but overall, he's fcking awesome and i love his awesomeness =)

i WAS supposed to go to the movies with him this weekend but it just went horrible. he left the house and my father ended up canceling. i was furious and mad and sad because i hate disappointing people. but he made it all up in a text lmao. ahh i think im sprung.
ANYWAYS
due to the bad weekend my friend and i had, she's bringing Alcohol to school tomorrow and we're getting a little drunk in 1st period. we need a stress reliever. and plus, i got a precal test tomorrow. i definitely need that haha.

umm other than that we're getting a 3 day break from school. FINALLY!! We need it. But Blaze is so lucky. she gets the whole week off. i WISH we had the whole week off.
i miss her so much!! it's not even funny. i guess this is the part of the blog where i start crying ='(
i wish My Blaze Bugs would come back. my last time seeing her was at that church thing and i ate those cookies and got a little chubbier. *sigh* i want to see her so bad. we got a lot to talk about. a lot. it's not the same. believe me, it's not.

and well i guess this is the end. wow, i thought i was going to blog about other things but i guess i didn't have much. lol.
i guess i'll blog later then
byeeeee!!
i love you all =)

and oh i thought his quote was nice