hey guys. yeah Blaze is forcing me to blog. her Philipina self lol. but yeah i dont really have anything to blog about. only one thing to be exact.
have you ever felt ALONE?
No, i'm not talking about loneliness like you need a partner and stuff. no, i'm just talking about being alone. like no friends or family or anything. just alone. plain alone.
i feel that way right now. don't get me wrong. i have the amazing-est best friends in my life but it's just hard sometimes. Both of my best friends live far away and it's hard to just...do that. ugh.
i feel alone. like i have nothing and nobody. and i feel like im holding onto things i should let go off. it's hard. i dont really know how to explain this. and i can't find my way out. i don't really want to make a long post but Blaze this song isn't helping me at all lol. i wish there was a cure for every kind of pain you know? it would be so easier to live. so much easier.
well i think that's it. i'm gonna go write a poem now. bye.
( i know reading my blog was a waste of time. sorry :[ )
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
It's Like A Drug
soooo hey guys, i'm blogging again. i knoww, in the same month too lol. ok well the reason why i'm blogging is because of this topic that came up at our lunch table.Um, my friend Rebkea came up with the question actually. she asked, "what is the point of teen relationships?" and well, you know how they tell us we're too young to be in love right? well i agreed with that, but then she was like, if you're too young then what's the point of being in a relationship?
So i answer, it's the feeling you get. She asked, what was the feeling? and i told her that she won't understand how it feels until she's in a relationship. it's this greaatt feeling of having that significant other. idk how to explain it, but then, it hit me. Relationships/love is like weed. or any drug you like.
you see, you won't know the feeling until you're in a relationship. Same as weed. You wont know what it feels like till you have some. It's probably the greatest feeling in the world....but it could also destroy you. Just like marijuana can. you get it? and i realize that we always crave for it because we're humans and we get lonely. IDK it just HIT me today. i get why we want it now. it's a drug and we never want to let that feeling go. we love being in love and sometimes it destroys us. Just like we are with drugs.
and then she asked me what if you breakup? is the pain worth it?
and i said something i never thought i would say in my whole entire life.
I replied YES.
and i see this quote all the fcking time, the one that says "I'd rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"....or something like that lol. and i know it's so cliche but i actually understand it now. and i agree, i'd rather have had that feeling and felt the excitement and got my "high" off of MY boyfriend, rather than not have felt anything at all. Because if i've never felt it, i would never know how good it could be.
And the break up? yeah, the pain is worth it. because i can look back and at least say i got a little taste of something i've never had before. i can look back and smile. and not only that, i know better.
It's the same as marijuana. Quitting is hard because it brings out the worst in you. It's hard and it brings a lot of pain, just like a breakup. but you gotta do it.
But it differs because some people still WANT to be in a relationship. they still want to be loved, they want to love. because us humans love to love.
On the other hand, if you quit weed i dont think you'd wanna go back to it lol.
So this is why I'm blogging, because this thing just hit me today. Love is a drug and we crave it. We need it and once we have that quick hit it's hard to let go. But in the end, when we're suffering, can we say it's worth it?
That's for YOU to answer.
I will say yes. Because i've had the feeling. i'v felt it. i lived it. and i fvking loved it =] and before i leave, here's a quote i saw that i really loved. there's this other one i loved mroe but i want to post it on here only after my next "high". (and i'm not talking about Marijuana LOL).
"I don't fear insects or spiders. At great heights, I jump off, smiling. In the face of death I wink. But, when I look into your eyes, I'm in fear of how much I love you." Anon
and here's a song that really explain what i'm trying to say to you. It's "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson. Man, i fcking love her! lol. and here's a quote from the song. i love it so much.
"I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
-Addicted.
here it is.
So i answer, it's the feeling you get. She asked, what was the feeling? and i told her that she won't understand how it feels until she's in a relationship. it's this greaatt feeling of having that significant other. idk how to explain it, but then, it hit me. Relationships/love is like weed. or any drug you like.
you see, you won't know the feeling until you're in a relationship. Same as weed. You wont know what it feels like till you have some. It's probably the greatest feeling in the world....but it could also destroy you. Just like marijuana can. you get it? and i realize that we always crave for it because we're humans and we get lonely. IDK it just HIT me today. i get why we want it now. it's a drug and we never want to let that feeling go. we love being in love and sometimes it destroys us. Just like we are with drugs.
and then she asked me what if you breakup? is the pain worth it?
and i said something i never thought i would say in my whole entire life.
I replied YES.
and i see this quote all the fcking time, the one that says "I'd rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"....or something like that lol. and i know it's so cliche but i actually understand it now. and i agree, i'd rather have had that feeling and felt the excitement and got my "high" off of MY boyfriend, rather than not have felt anything at all. Because if i've never felt it, i would never know how good it could be.
And the break up? yeah, the pain is worth it. because i can look back and at least say i got a little taste of something i've never had before. i can look back and smile. and not only that, i know better.
It's the same as marijuana. Quitting is hard because it brings out the worst in you. It's hard and it brings a lot of pain, just like a breakup. but you gotta do it.
But it differs because some people still WANT to be in a relationship. they still want to be loved, they want to love. because us humans love to love.
On the other hand, if you quit weed i dont think you'd wanna go back to it lol.
So this is why I'm blogging, because this thing just hit me today. Love is a drug and we crave it. We need it and once we have that quick hit it's hard to let go. But in the end, when we're suffering, can we say it's worth it?
That's for YOU to answer.
I will say yes. Because i've had the feeling. i'v felt it. i lived it. and i fvking loved it =] and before i leave, here's a quote i saw that i really loved. there's this other one i loved mroe but i want to post it on here only after my next "high". (and i'm not talking about Marijuana LOL).
"I don't fear insects or spiders. At great heights, I jump off, smiling. In the face of death I wink. But, when I look into your eyes, I'm in fear of how much I love you." Anon
and here's a song that really explain what i'm trying to say to you. It's "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson. Man, i fcking love her! lol. and here's a quote from the song. i love it so much.
"I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
-Addicted.
here it is.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Long Time No Blog
Wow. i haven't blogged in a really long time. I think i actually have broken the record for the most "non-blogger" on here lol. but actually, i'm doing this for Blaze Bugs so the whole blog is dedicated to her!! (be happy you LOSER =)) ILY.
ok so let's start. hmmm recently what has happened? well school has acutally been fun until i failed that precal quiz. and i though i did soooooooo good. oh and we did a debate. and i won. but that's not really what i want to talk about...and i know it lol.
i want to talk about my new dude hehe =) i like him lots. well in case you didn't know, i have a boyfriend now. though i only have like 5 followers so i think they do know lol. well it's the dude that was my date to homecoming. i dont wanna put any names on here. but yeah, he's pretty amazing. like i never stop smiling when i talk to him =)
well i do. cuz sometimes he's a little smartass but he's pretty awesome. and when i say i love him, i dont mean i'm in love with him. i love him like i love my best friend. but overall, he's fcking awesome and i love his awesomeness =)
i WAS supposed to go to the movies with him this weekend but it just went horrible. he left the house and my father ended up canceling. i was furious and mad and sad because i hate disappointing people. but he made it all up in a text lmao. ahh i think im sprung.
ANYWAYS
due to the bad weekend my friend and i had, she's bringing Alcohol to school tomorrow and we're getting a little drunk in 1st period. we need a stress reliever. and plus, i got a precal test tomorrow. i definitely need that haha.
umm other than that we're getting a 3 day break from school. FINALLY!! We need it. But Blaze is so lucky. she gets the whole week off. i WISH we had the whole week off.
i miss her so much!! it's not even funny. i guess this is the part of the blog where i start crying ='(
i wish My Blaze Bugs would come back. my last time seeing her was at that church thing and i ate those cookies and got a little chubbier. *sigh* i want to see her so bad. we got a lot to talk about. a lot. it's not the same. believe me, it's not.
and well i guess this is the end. wow, i thought i was going to blog about other things but i guess i didn't have much. lol.
i guess i'll blog later then
byeeeee!!
i love you all =)
and oh i thought his quote was nice
ok so let's start. hmmm recently what has happened? well school has acutally been fun until i failed that precal quiz. and i though i did soooooooo good. oh and we did a debate. and i won. but that's not really what i want to talk about...and i know it lol.
i want to talk about my new dude hehe =) i like him lots. well in case you didn't know, i have a boyfriend now. though i only have like 5 followers so i think they do know lol. well it's the dude that was my date to homecoming. i dont wanna put any names on here. but yeah, he's pretty amazing. like i never stop smiling when i talk to him =)
well i do. cuz sometimes he's a little smartass but he's pretty awesome. and when i say i love him, i dont mean i'm in love with him. i love him like i love my best friend. but overall, he's fcking awesome and i love his awesomeness =)
i WAS supposed to go to the movies with him this weekend but it just went horrible. he left the house and my father ended up canceling. i was furious and mad and sad because i hate disappointing people. but he made it all up in a text lmao. ahh i think im sprung.
ANYWAYS
due to the bad weekend my friend and i had, she's bringing Alcohol to school tomorrow and we're getting a little drunk in 1st period. we need a stress reliever. and plus, i got a precal test tomorrow. i definitely need that haha.
umm other than that we're getting a 3 day break from school. FINALLY!! We need it. But Blaze is so lucky. she gets the whole week off. i WISH we had the whole week off.
i miss her so much!! it's not even funny. i guess this is the part of the blog where i start crying ='(
i wish My Blaze Bugs would come back. my last time seeing her was at that church thing and i ate those cookies and got a little chubbier. *sigh* i want to see her so bad. we got a lot to talk about. a lot. it's not the same. believe me, it's not.
and well i guess this is the end. wow, i thought i was going to blog about other things but i guess i didn't have much. lol.
i guess i'll blog later then
byeeeee!!
i love you all =)
and oh i thought his quote was nice
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I apologize [I'm so sorry Blaze =(]
i haven't blogged in a while. actually that's not what i'm apologizing for. i feel so horrible right now it's not even funny. i kinda hate myself for being such a b*tch. it's not even cool. so well, here's basically why i'm writing.
One of my closest friends was moving away and instead of trying to get back in touch with her, i focused on my own life. how selfish is that?
Yeah i'm talking about Blaze. She's probably mad at me. I don't blame her. I want to apologize but i feel like crap. I don't even deserve to talk to her. i feel awful. i was on facebook the other day and i saw her status. It said that she was leaving this weekend. I wanted to comment but then, it was like wtf Sarah? you haven't talked to her in how long and now you wanna butt in?
i feel bad. like i want to call but i don't even know if you have your number anymore. and i was scared you would hang up on me because the last time we talked it was awkward. I'm a horrible friend. Blaze has been there for my for so long and i feel like total shit. it's awful. i cried the other night when i realized how much i would miss her. it's not even funny. it's horrible. now i'm thinking about my idiocy.....if that's a word.
But you know what? I'm writing this blog to apologize for being so selfish =(
I'm sorry. and i hope we can keep in touch even though you're in Valdosta. and I'm so sorry again.
I only wish you the best life up there. I love you.
One of my closest friends was moving away and instead of trying to get back in touch with her, i focused on my own life. how selfish is that?
Yeah i'm talking about Blaze. She's probably mad at me. I don't blame her. I want to apologize but i feel like crap. I don't even deserve to talk to her. i feel awful. i was on facebook the other day and i saw her status. It said that she was leaving this weekend. I wanted to comment but then, it was like wtf Sarah? you haven't talked to her in how long and now you wanna butt in?
i feel bad. like i want to call but i don't even know if you have your number anymore. and i was scared you would hang up on me because the last time we talked it was awkward. I'm a horrible friend. Blaze has been there for my for so long and i feel like total shit. it's awful. i cried the other night when i realized how much i would miss her. it's not even funny. it's horrible. now i'm thinking about my idiocy.....if that's a word.
But you know what? I'm writing this blog to apologize for being so selfish =(
I'm sorry. and i hope we can keep in touch even though you're in Valdosta. and I'm so sorry again.
I only wish you the best life up there. I love you.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war If you can tell me something worth fighting for
the title is a line from one of Coldplay's songs. "A Rush Of Blood To The Head".
i am seriously in love with that band....and i wanna marry Chris Martin. if you dont listen to Coldplay then wipe yourself from the surface of the earth lol. I'm just kidding. no Coldplay is awesome though. i don't know what my life would like without them =)
umm i haven't blogged in a while so i kind of have a few things to blog about.
First and foremost My birthday is Tuesday!! ahhhhhhh I'm getting old. I'm going to be 17. i feel like i might as well be 30 lol. This birthday does not feel the same as the other ones. i really don't want to become old. i want to stop growing after 17. i mean after this, i turn 18 and my life is over lol. ok well not really but i feel old.
ummm on a good note I'm going to homecoming!! and i have a DATE!!! whoooo!! SCORE!! lmao. well actually i asked him which is something i've never done before but i loved doing it. life is about taking chances and i've been hiding in a corner. I need to take more chances.
Well his name is Was---. Yes guys, it is who you think it is haha. the dude at the game. i don't want to get into details but yeah i asked him and he was like it would be awesome and that's how that happened.
did i mention i kinda like him too? lol. well I've been talking to him. he's a pretty cool and funny dude. but i think i need to stop staying up late talking to him. i don't think that's too healthy for me. last night i stayed up till 6:30 talking to him. i didn't really sleep the way i wanted to haha.
well i went and got my homecoming dress yesterday. i KINDA like it. really. not my favorite thing but oh well. i'll make it work.
oh and this is our 4 day weekend!!! which is almost over. it's been going by too fast.
i also wanted to blog about the fact that our new laptop SUCKS BUT!!! mann it does. they couldn't fix the old one, so they gave us a new one. and this one just keeps freezing. i hate it. i want the old one back. eff this one.
My relationship with geek squad is officially over =/
anyways i think that's it for this blog. i have nothing much to say. just what's on my head. Now if you'll excuse me, i have to go do a literature project.
VIVA LA CHRIS MARTIN!!!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
BLOGGER!!
O My EFFING GOSH i haven't been on here in over forever.
well i missed out on a LOT of blogs that's for sure. but i don't have time to catch up. maybe when i'm home alone for a whole day and i got nothing to do i'll read the other blogs. i feel so left out. not freaking cool.
anyways, i guess i'm blogging now because i just finished my homework and lots of stuff have been happening lately.
i am VERY proud to say that i now know who my real friends are at Shiloh and i could care about the rest of the people.
i would ALSO like to say that I FREAKING LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS AT STONE MOUNTAIN!! AND THE ONE I HAVE AT LITHONIA!!! you guys do really make me happier.
like no lie at all.i feel so much happier in my stone mountain environment than is Shitloh----oh sorry, i meant Shiloh.
umm i would also like to say that i effing LOVE Coldplay (best band ever!!) and i am a genius because i busted open my PC and fixed my internet lol. i know, im not a genius but i felt like one.
well that's pretty much it.
and i'm writing a story =DDDDD
all right bye now
i gotta go give my sisters a bath.
yes Blaze, i know you think they're so cute lol.
well i missed out on a LOT of blogs that's for sure. but i don't have time to catch up. maybe when i'm home alone for a whole day and i got nothing to do i'll read the other blogs. i feel so left out. not freaking cool.
anyways, i guess i'm blogging now because i just finished my homework and lots of stuff have been happening lately.
i am VERY proud to say that i now know who my real friends are at Shiloh and i could care about the rest of the people.
i would ALSO like to say that I FREAKING LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS AT STONE MOUNTAIN!! AND THE ONE I HAVE AT LITHONIA!!! you guys do really make me happier.
like no lie at all.i feel so much happier in my stone mountain environment than is Shitloh----oh sorry, i meant Shiloh.
umm i would also like to say that i effing LOVE Coldplay (best band ever!!) and i am a genius because i busted open my PC and fixed my internet lol. i know, im not a genius but i felt like one.
well that's pretty much it.
and i'm writing a story =DDDDD
all right bye now
i gotta go give my sisters a bath.
yes Blaze, i know you think they're so cute lol.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I LOVE GOOGLE!
ok guys i have been looking for this song for over a year now. it has been STUCK in my head for the longest and i can never know hat she's saying.
HOWEVER, with the help of google, i found the song. and i typed gibberish in.
well not exactly gibberish but i put down what i heard and Google found it for me.
isn't that awesome?
ok here is the song.
HOWEVER, with the help of google, i found the song. and i typed gibberish in.
well not exactly gibberish but i put down what i heard and Google found it for me.
isn't that awesome?
ok here is the song.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
new blog
wow i haven't written in forever. literally. I kind of gave up to be honest. after Michael Jackson died, i was like i can't enjoy writing here anymore but here i am today. I guess time does heal almost everything. i'm still mourning but it's soo much better than the month of July.
anyways school starts on Monday for us. sucks major butt. i don't think i wanna go but what can you do? I think i'm going to enjoy this year but i will be really really stressed out. freaking junior ugh.
well i was planning to write a whole bunch but now i don't really know. i guess this is just an update to let you know that i'm still alive lol. i'm not dead...yet.
soo uhhhh that's it. bye.
anyways school starts on Monday for us. sucks major butt. i don't think i wanna go but what can you do? I think i'm going to enjoy this year but i will be really really stressed out. freaking junior ugh.
well i was planning to write a whole bunch but now i don't really know. i guess this is just an update to let you know that i'm still alive lol. i'm not dead...yet.
soo uhhhh that's it. bye.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
my boobs hurt when my period is coming
gosh i HATE it. it hurts soo bad. runnning was total hell for me. ok i know no one wants to hear these things but i thought it was the only way to start my blog. which by the way, i have a LOT to blog about. well not really but i'd like to keep it simple.
all right first thing, my boobs hurt and i'm loosing weight. YAY? but i just want my period to come so we can get it over it.
two. I HATE MTV. ok well i really used to like them. until i saw the awards. i was like wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwttttttttttttttttttttffffffffffffffffff?? a total disappointment. but hey at least it's not the oscars right? cuz then Dark Knight or Slumdog Millionarire should've won for best movie. i'm sorry, Twilight SUCKED. i didn't think some people could act in it. i mean at a certain point this "certain" person's acting just got to me. well that's it but in my heart, i know who deserved that award.
three. i went to the park last Sunday and it was soooooooo segregated. gosh. the black and whites where in the pool and in the park. and the Hispanics were wayyyyyyyy on the other side playing soccer. i was so mad. cuz you know how i like Hispanic men. lol. but still. sad sight.
Four.my brother and i were sitting there by the ducks. ok my brother has down syndrome so he tends to talk to people he doesn't know and it's not his fault.so there's this lady and she's feeding the ducks. her children are too. and she's one of those BLACK women that i hate. i mean, the ----- is telling the ducks she'll beat them up if they touch her children. THEN GET YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM THEM THEN!!! ok so my brother starts talking to one of her MANY children and the little boy tells my brother to shut up. i was so mad, i gave him a MEAN glare. and the STUPID mother did not do anything about it. i swear, this is why i HATE black people. i don't even claim this race. UGH!!! and i left with my brother because i KNEW that if i said something to her son, she'd defend him and start a scene. why?
BECAUSE SHE"S A ------- BLACK WOMAN! ughhh. i have a deep hate for black people. no one understands. not my black friends though. they're cool.
five. this is sooo weird but i've been depressed. i seriously have been depressed. it's not even funny. the week after we got our break, i just became depressed. i would lock myself in my room and just cry. i think the Michael Jackson thing set it off. then i just started wondering about life. like what am i living for and stuff. and it just got bad. i would mope around the house and activities that once seemed fun to me became boring. (i.e George Lopez lol) but really. i did not know what was happening. i thought i was severely depressed and i would go into a home. but idk that night when i was crying and breaking down and just being at my lowest, i talked to my parents about it and it just went better. idk. but everything went better. i guess parents CAN make you feel better. and i'm glad my best friend Esther was there for me too =]
ok that's my blog. i didn't go into depth about the whole depression thing because i really don't wanna talk about it much. but there goes my blog.
Like Emma would say:
see you latorrrrrr
all right first thing, my boobs hurt and i'm loosing weight. YAY? but i just want my period to come so we can get it over it.
two. I HATE MTV. ok well i really used to like them. until i saw the awards. i was like wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwttttttttttttttttttttffffffffffffffffff?? a total disappointment. but hey at least it's not the oscars right? cuz then Dark Knight or Slumdog Millionarire should've won for best movie. i'm sorry, Twilight SUCKED. i didn't think some people could act in it. i mean at a certain point this "certain" person's acting just got to me. well that's it but in my heart, i know who deserved that award.
three. i went to the park last Sunday and it was soooooooo segregated. gosh. the black and whites where in the pool and in the park. and the Hispanics were wayyyyyyyy on the other side playing soccer. i was so mad. cuz you know how i like Hispanic men. lol. but still. sad sight.
Four.my brother and i were sitting there by the ducks. ok my brother has down syndrome so he tends to talk to people he doesn't know and it's not his fault.so there's this lady and she's feeding the ducks. her children are too. and she's one of those BLACK women that i hate. i mean, the ----- is telling the ducks she'll beat them up if they touch her children. THEN GET YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM THEM THEN!!! ok so my brother starts talking to one of her MANY children and the little boy tells my brother to shut up. i was so mad, i gave him a MEAN glare. and the STUPID mother did not do anything about it. i swear, this is why i HATE black people. i don't even claim this race. UGH!!! and i left with my brother because i KNEW that if i said something to her son, she'd defend him and start a scene. why?
BECAUSE SHE"S A ------- BLACK WOMAN! ughhh. i have a deep hate for black people. no one understands. not my black friends though. they're cool.
five. this is sooo weird but i've been depressed. i seriously have been depressed. it's not even funny. the week after we got our break, i just became depressed. i would lock myself in my room and just cry. i think the Michael Jackson thing set it off. then i just started wondering about life. like what am i living for and stuff. and it just got bad. i would mope around the house and activities that once seemed fun to me became boring. (i.e George Lopez lol) but really. i did not know what was happening. i thought i was severely depressed and i would go into a home. but idk that night when i was crying and breaking down and just being at my lowest, i talked to my parents about it and it just went better. idk. but everything went better. i guess parents CAN make you feel better. and i'm glad my best friend Esther was there for me too =]
ok that's my blog. i didn't go into depth about the whole depression thing because i really don't wanna talk about it much. but there goes my blog.
Like Emma would say:
see you latorrrrrr
Monday, May 25, 2009
my life
summer is here and unlike other people i am not happy. don't get me wrong, i LOVE the summer time. no school, no homework and no ignorant people. But i feel as something is missing. and i DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!
before school was over, i thought i needed boyfriend. no i wanted one because i felt so lonely and so i tried to see if it was what i was missing but it wasn't. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't need one either. i just feel so sad it's ridiculous. it's not loneliness, it's unhappiness. and i don't know what's causing it. and no i'm not PMSing. I wish! i don't even want to talk about it for long.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON THEN DON'T READ THE REST OF MY BLOG.
uhh i have developed an obsession with Michael Jackson. you know his story made me soo sad i cried my eyes out? and as i am writing this i started crying again.
ok let's rewind. he was in the Jackson 5 while growing up and he became sooooooo BIG that his "Thriller" album was the #1 sold album in the whole world. and it still is. no one topped Michael. and i don't think anyone will either.
yes he had two nose jobs and his skin changed from black to white. that's because he had Vitiligo. it's a skin disease, go look it up.
But that's not what concerns me. i could care less about how Michael looks, it's his life that makes me cry.
the man was accused of molesting children and has been called a pedophile. i don't believe it. i don't believe any word of it.
if you think about it, a man who writes songs about saving the world and making it a better place would go and touch little children? really? do you all believe what the tabloids say now? and not only that, what parents in their right mind would leave their child with a total stranger because he's famous? i know i wouldn't. i think that's when his reputation just went bad. what should have gone down as a legend in history is now a man thought of as a pedophile.
the part that really gets to me is his unhappiness. gosh i know a lot of people did bad things in their lives but at least they're happy now you know?
i don't think Michael Jackson is happy. after everything that happened i don't think he is able to enjoy his life and his success. and i feel so sorry for him because the least he deserves is happiness.
i don't care about his appearance. i think too many people take that into consideration. and i'm not blogging because i feel the need to change people's mind but i'm blogging because i need to let out my pain for him.
yes take me for an emotional freak but people in pain don't make me happy. it makes me sooo sad and when i see people who are not happy when they deserve to be, my heart breaks. i love him and always will. i hope to meet this amazing man one day and if not on Earth then in heaven. and if you believe what the tabloids say then you're just as ignorant as they are.
He loves children. he wants children to have a great childhood like he wasn't able to. once childhood is over, you can never get it. he has a passion for children and he loves to see them happy and if you see that as a pedophile-ish thing then YOU'RE sick. wth? a man loves children and you think he's a molester. wow. shows how great your mind is. and you know know what? the "pedophile" inspired me to go out this summer and help children with cancer in a hospital. and i will find a way to do it.
i blogged about Michael Jackson. yes i did. now come shoot me.
well i hope he does become happy and live a good life with his children.
and if you're wondering why i support him, i watched documentaries of him. that's why. ok bye.
before school was over, i thought i needed boyfriend. no i wanted one because i felt so lonely and so i tried to see if it was what i was missing but it wasn't. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't need one either. i just feel so sad it's ridiculous. it's not loneliness, it's unhappiness. and i don't know what's causing it. and no i'm not PMSing. I wish! i don't even want to talk about it for long.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON THEN DON'T READ THE REST OF MY BLOG.
uhh i have developed an obsession with Michael Jackson. you know his story made me soo sad i cried my eyes out? and as i am writing this i started crying again.
ok let's rewind. he was in the Jackson 5 while growing up and he became sooooooo BIG that his "Thriller" album was the #1 sold album in the whole world. and it still is. no one topped Michael. and i don't think anyone will either.
yes he had two nose jobs and his skin changed from black to white. that's because he had Vitiligo. it's a skin disease, go look it up.
But that's not what concerns me. i could care less about how Michael looks, it's his life that makes me cry.
the man was accused of molesting children and has been called a pedophile. i don't believe it. i don't believe any word of it.
if you think about it, a man who writes songs about saving the world and making it a better place would go and touch little children? really? do you all believe what the tabloids say now? and not only that, what parents in their right mind would leave their child with a total stranger because he's famous? i know i wouldn't. i think that's when his reputation just went bad. what should have gone down as a legend in history is now a man thought of as a pedophile.
the part that really gets to me is his unhappiness. gosh i know a lot of people did bad things in their lives but at least they're happy now you know?
i don't think Michael Jackson is happy. after everything that happened i don't think he is able to enjoy his life and his success. and i feel so sorry for him because the least he deserves is happiness.
i don't care about his appearance. i think too many people take that into consideration. and i'm not blogging because i feel the need to change people's mind but i'm blogging because i need to let out my pain for him.
yes take me for an emotional freak but people in pain don't make me happy. it makes me sooo sad and when i see people who are not happy when they deserve to be, my heart breaks. i love him and always will. i hope to meet this amazing man one day and if not on Earth then in heaven. and if you believe what the tabloids say then you're just as ignorant as they are.
He loves children. he wants children to have a great childhood like he wasn't able to. once childhood is over, you can never get it. he has a passion for children and he loves to see them happy and if you see that as a pedophile-ish thing then YOU'RE sick. wth? a man loves children and you think he's a molester. wow. shows how great your mind is. and you know know what? the "pedophile" inspired me to go out this summer and help children with cancer in a hospital. and i will find a way to do it.
i blogged about Michael Jackson. yes i did. now come shoot me.
well i hope he does become happy and live a good life with his children.
and if you're wondering why i support him, i watched documentaries of him. that's why. ok bye.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
no title
today was the AP exams. i'm hating myself so much. the questions were easy as fuck yet i managed to fuck up. looking back at it i didn't even organize my thoughts. i feel so stupid. and i feel like killing myself or something. you don't understand. i spent a LOT of time studying for that and now it comes down to nothing. it hurts so bad. maybe no one can understand but me.
well i know i don't blog a lot but today i'm hurting so i'm writing. i even cried walking home. i hate myself so much.
and then i stayed after school to do my Spanish exam. and guess what? i fucked up on that too. i was just so nervous and i didn't know what to do.
and you know that dude i like? well i saw him with some girl today. doesn't that just make your heart fill with joy? when you see someone you like with someone else?
well then you know how i feel. i think today wa the worst day of the whole semester. and i have a lot of work to do too. i feel like jumping off a cliff. i need something.
well i know i don't blog a lot but today i'm hurting so i'm writing. i even cried walking home. i hate myself so much.
and then i stayed after school to do my Spanish exam. and guess what? i fucked up on that too. i was just so nervous and i didn't know what to do.
and you know that dude i like? well i saw him with some girl today. doesn't that just make your heart fill with joy? when you see someone you like with someone else?
well then you know how i feel. i think today wa the worst day of the whole semester. and i have a lot of work to do too. i feel like jumping off a cliff. i need something.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
i like NERDS!
l0l about the title.
ok i really have nothing to blog about
but uhh i just felt like writing something on here cuz it's been forever
so i'm not wearing make-up to school anymore guys
I LIKE NERDS!!!
ooooo and i LIKE Mexicans too. they're the hottest =]
i like Ice Cream
i like running (i know. big surprise)
i like writing
i like to sing in the shower
i like Adele
i like music
i like MI COMPUTADORA!!!
i like math
i like lame things
i like being lame
i like looking lost (at times)
i like being good
i like following God
i like chocolate
i like people who are not stuck up
i like TAYLOR LAUTNER
i like cute butts l0l
and i LOVE My GOD!!!
seriously, miracles can happen
i cant talk but God is AMAZING!!
and he loves you therefore you should go talk to him
he'll accept you no matter what
that's the great thing about it
and he'll LOVE you
and i love Chris Tomlin too
ok maybe the blog was pointless
but you read it haha l0l
ok byyyyyyyyeeeee
ok i really have nothing to blog about
but uhh i just felt like writing something on here cuz it's been forever
so i'm not wearing make-up to school anymore guys
I LIKE NERDS!!!
ooooo and i LIKE Mexicans too. they're the hottest =]
i like Ice Cream
i like running (i know. big surprise)
i like writing
i like to sing in the shower
i like Adele
i like music
i like MI COMPUTADORA!!!
i like math
i like lame things
i like being lame
i like looking lost (at times)
i like being good
i like following God
i like chocolate
i like people who are not stuck up
i like TAYLOR LAUTNER
i like cute butts l0l
and i LOVE My GOD!!!
seriously, miracles can happen
i cant talk but God is AMAZING!!
and he loves you therefore you should go talk to him
he'll accept you no matter what
that's the great thing about it
and he'll LOVE you
and i love Chris Tomlin too
ok maybe the blog was pointless
but you read it haha l0l
ok byyyyyyyyeeeee
Friday, April 10, 2009
the reasons-i need a release
no one said you couldn't vent on blogger about the reason why you're unhappy
so here i go
i am angry because i'm living in the past
i am angry because i feel sorry for myself all the time
i am angry because i have to look at ME
i am angry because i don't look the way i'm SUPPOSED to look
i am angry because people tell me everything is going to be all right
i am angry because people treat us wrong because we're Africans
i am angry because out of the 100 pictures i take, i can only find one good enough
i am angry because i do not feel pretty
i am angry because i have to put eyeliner on to go to school so people will not focus on my FUCKING face
i am angry because i cry about things i cannot tell anyone
i am angry because i watch Cinderella and Snow White in order to feel something and be happy for someone
i am angry because i watch those shows to actually believe in something
i am angry because i am surrounded by people who are so pretty i'm like a maid compared to them
i am angry because i think about love every now and then and wonder stuff
i am angry because i hate feeling lonely
i am angry because i'm so fucking ugly
i am angry because i hate staring at ME
i am angry because i hate the way i've turned out
i am angry because i have to wake up and see the weight i've gained
i am angry because my tummy looks like an obese rat's stomach
i am angry because i cannot look anyone in the eye
i am angry because no one wants me
i am angry because i KNOW that i will never be able to attract a boy
i am angry because i hide my tummy in a sweater everyday
i am angry because i watch movies with happy endings and that never seems to be the case for me
i am angry because everyday i look at this quote from Juno and i cry
i am angry because i'm hiding myself
i am angry because i gave up on me
i am angry because i envy other people that i do not want to envy
i am angry because i live here
i am angry because i've lost each and every single one of my connections to God
i am angry because i live here and i haven't FOUND anything to live for yet--besides God
i am angry because i wanna be happy yet i can never achieve that
i am angry because i want to be other people besides myself
i am angry that i'm awake at night crying about MEEEE!
and i am so FUCKING angry that i'm so damn emotional
and im so FUCKING sorry if you read this and it disturbed you but honestly i don't give two fucks.
so here i go
i am angry because i'm living in the past
i am angry because i feel sorry for myself all the time
i am angry because i have to look at ME
i am angry because i don't look the way i'm SUPPOSED to look
i am angry because people tell me everything is going to be all right
i am angry because people treat us wrong because we're Africans
i am angry because out of the 100 pictures i take, i can only find one good enough
i am angry because i do not feel pretty
i am angry because i have to put eyeliner on to go to school so people will not focus on my FUCKING face
i am angry because i cry about things i cannot tell anyone
i am angry because i watch Cinderella and Snow White in order to feel something and be happy for someone
i am angry because i watch those shows to actually believe in something
i am angry because i am surrounded by people who are so pretty i'm like a maid compared to them
i am angry because i think about love every now and then and wonder stuff
i am angry because i hate feeling lonely
i am angry because i'm so fucking ugly
i am angry because i hate staring at ME
i am angry because i hate the way i've turned out
i am angry because i have to wake up and see the weight i've gained
i am angry because my tummy looks like an obese rat's stomach
i am angry because i cannot look anyone in the eye
i am angry because no one wants me
i am angry because i KNOW that i will never be able to attract a boy
i am angry because i hide my tummy in a sweater everyday
i am angry because i watch movies with happy endings and that never seems to be the case for me
i am angry because everyday i look at this quote from Juno and i cry
i am angry because i'm hiding myself
i am angry because i gave up on me
i am angry because i envy other people that i do not want to envy
i am angry because i live here
i am angry because i've lost each and every single one of my connections to God
i am angry because i live here and i haven't FOUND anything to live for yet--besides God
i am angry because i wanna be happy yet i can never achieve that
i am angry because i want to be other people besides myself
i am angry that i'm awake at night crying about MEEEE!
and i am so FUCKING angry that i'm so damn emotional
and im so FUCKING sorry if you read this and it disturbed you but honestly i don't give two fucks.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
the rain
so i barely blog but i just HAD to blog about today.
today was a contemplating day. it wasn't happy nor sad. and the best part about it was when i walked home from school. actually let me replay my day for you.
i woke up EXTRA late on purpose. all because we stay in homeroom for 3 hours 4 days out of this week and i did not feel like sitting there and writing an essay. After that the classes were a blur. i can't even remember myself walking to 1st period. During the classes i felt like i was someone else. it was like looking at the world through someone else's eyes. i felt like a was in daze. i wasn't even there. but i did do my work. after third period (last period) i didn't want to take the bus home because the ride was way too long and i just knew i would get carsick. so Michelle gave me her umbrella and i walked home in the rain. I'm really starting to like that girl. i think she's like the only person i really like at that school. I;ve become very very fond of her.
well so yeah i walked home in the rain. i know i'm an oddball. no one would EVER want to walk home when it's raining. especially if you're black. but i did. and i enjoyed it.
the breeze was so cold and soft, the sound of the rain was perfect and it was amazing. i thought about a lot, but it wasn't unpleasant things. it was about....things. anyways it was just perfect. then when i got to the entrance of my subdivision (gwinnett word), i took off my shoe and put the umbrella down. and it was thee BEST thing ever. i could not imagine a more perfect afternoon. i know it may seem like "wtf is wrong with her"but i honestly just don't care. it was perfect. i hope it rains more. i came home soaked but i didn't mind. i wanted to take a picture of how i looked but my father locked the laptop away in his room so i couldn't do it.
overall i just felt like i had to blog about it for some reason ya know? and now i have to get off the computer because i have an AP exam for tomorrow and i need to start studying for it now if i want to get done by midnight l0l jk. but i do want to get done studying before eight so bye.
today was a contemplating day. it wasn't happy nor sad. and the best part about it was when i walked home from school. actually let me replay my day for you.
i woke up EXTRA late on purpose. all because we stay in homeroom for 3 hours 4 days out of this week and i did not feel like sitting there and writing an essay. After that the classes were a blur. i can't even remember myself walking to 1st period. During the classes i felt like i was someone else. it was like looking at the world through someone else's eyes. i felt like a was in daze. i wasn't even there. but i did do my work. after third period (last period) i didn't want to take the bus home because the ride was way too long and i just knew i would get carsick. so Michelle gave me her umbrella and i walked home in the rain. I'm really starting to like that girl. i think she's like the only person i really like at that school. I;ve become very very fond of her.
well so yeah i walked home in the rain. i know i'm an oddball. no one would EVER want to walk home when it's raining. especially if you're black. but i did. and i enjoyed it.
the breeze was so cold and soft, the sound of the rain was perfect and it was amazing. i thought about a lot, but it wasn't unpleasant things. it was about....things. anyways it was just perfect. then when i got to the entrance of my subdivision (gwinnett word), i took off my shoe and put the umbrella down. and it was thee BEST thing ever. i could not imagine a more perfect afternoon. i know it may seem like "wtf is wrong with her"but i honestly just don't care. it was perfect. i hope it rains more. i came home soaked but i didn't mind. i wanted to take a picture of how i looked but my father locked the laptop away in his room so i couldn't do it.
overall i just felt like i had to blog about it for some reason ya know? and now i have to get off the computer because i have an AP exam for tomorrow and i need to start studying for it now if i want to get done by midnight l0l jk. but i do want to get done studying before eight so bye.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
one of those good nights
today went perfect. almost. but you know it's cause nothing's perfect. i went to Golden Coral and to the movies with Kim, Linda and Marisol. it was great because i ate healthy food...somewhat. and i got lost going to the bathroom l0l. but it was still a great night. and after we went to see the haunting in Connecticut. that movie got me so scared Emma and Madonna are sleeping with me tonight. and i barely want them in my room. they're right next to me right now. but it was good. I'll probably get over it tomorrow. I'm listening to Adele right now typing this. i LOVE her. and after the movies there were these HOT boys outside of the movie theater l0l. and we took pictures. after that i came home and my parents were in a good mood so they're letting me use the laptop. which is where I'm typing all of this. i guess i'm happy because the day didn't end badly.
I also got really into slam poetry. i cannot stop watching some people. someone like Rafael Casal should be famous, as a matter of fact all of them should be famous because they deserve to be. they are so freaking talented that i don't even know why they live in this corrupt world. It's like they need to live in another world. Their view on life and women and children are so freaking amazing i just wish every boy was like them it would make the world so much better. or a woman's world so much better. and some of them are pretty hot too. i would recommend ANYONE to get on youtube and to just type in Def Slam Poetry and you'd be amazed at what you hear. I'm going to do one soon so just keep an open eye l0l. all right I'm done with blogging. i gotta go and watch some more people on youtube.
I also got really into slam poetry. i cannot stop watching some people. someone like Rafael Casal should be famous, as a matter of fact all of them should be famous because they deserve to be. they are so freaking talented that i don't even know why they live in this corrupt world. It's like they need to live in another world. Their view on life and women and children are so freaking amazing i just wish every boy was like them it would make the world so much better. or a woman's world so much better. and some of them are pretty hot too. i would recommend ANYONE to get on youtube and to just type in Def Slam Poetry and you'd be amazed at what you hear. I'm going to do one soon so just keep an open eye l0l. all right I'm done with blogging. i gotta go and watch some more people on youtube.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Blaze is FORCING me to BLOG!
ok so here i go blogging about my nonsense life and my destroyed mentality. I'm going to use many metaphors or simile or whatever in this post.(ok so i realized i didn't use a lot throughout the rest of the blog) why? because i feel like it and i realize i truly have a deep hate in my heart. it comes out little by little. i realized it i think the day before yesterday. so i decided to change. I'll just fade into the background and not talk and just be the quiet little good girl i always was.
so i have a new obsession besides Asian boys. haha . as a matter of fact i don't like Asian boys all that much anymore. and i got over a LOT of people i used to like. including the old dude haha =D and all the other people i told you guys about.
i don't really have anything to talk about besides the fact that i hate my parents and i want to go to Oxford university so i can be thousands of kilometers away from them when i graduate.
so i changed my diet. yeah i'm trying to go with three HEALTHY meals a day and 2 snacks in between. healthy snacks. as soon as i get that down i'm going to start the exercising. and i heard of this park not too far away from where i live so i'm going to be running there from now on. man i need to blog about something interesting.
well here is the dude i've fell madly in love with l0l
and HIS BUTT!!!
ok now that that's over with I'll tell you about this book i read recently. it's about guys and girls. well their relationship basically. and it was just there. laid out for me like a dead body's debris haha. so i'm learning a lot about that. basically guys are dogs who like the way a girl looks. they like to "do" stuff with nice looking girls. they are so different than us in soooooo many ways. and in the book these girls are just so desperate to keep their boyfriends that they let the boys beat them around. it's horrible and stupid. at the same time there are those girls who are independent and know what they want.
there are also many kind of boys: the bad boys, the good ones, the players, the pretty boys and so on. and basically when i read it it made em realize how LONELY i was l0l. no seriously though. like all these girls have soooooooo many boyfriends and i'm here getting older and i could count all of my boyfriends with one hand. i hope this doesn't make me sound sound sorry for myself because i'm not but it made me just realize how pitiful my life is. if that last statement didn't make sense ot anyone then just pretend like you didn't read it at all. and well what i'm basically worried about is catching the wrong boy....or falling for the wrong one. IF i get any at all.
and that's by blog because i don't really know how to word the rest of my thoughts and i'm getting frustrated so bye.
so i have a new obsession besides Asian boys. haha . as a matter of fact i don't like Asian boys all that much anymore. and i got over a LOT of people i used to like. including the old dude haha =D and all the other people i told you guys about.
i don't really have anything to talk about besides the fact that i hate my parents and i want to go to Oxford university so i can be thousands of kilometers away from them when i graduate.
so i changed my diet. yeah i'm trying to go with three HEALTHY meals a day and 2 snacks in between. healthy snacks. as soon as i get that down i'm going to start the exercising. and i heard of this park not too far away from where i live so i'm going to be running there from now on. man i need to blog about something interesting.
well here is the dude i've fell madly in love with l0l
and HIS BUTT!!!
ok now that that's over with I'll tell you about this book i read recently. it's about guys and girls. well their relationship basically. and it was just there. laid out for me like a dead body's debris haha. so i'm learning a lot about that. basically guys are dogs who like the way a girl looks. they like to "do" stuff with nice looking girls. they are so different than us in soooooo many ways. and in the book these girls are just so desperate to keep their boyfriends that they let the boys beat them around. it's horrible and stupid. at the same time there are those girls who are independent and know what they want.
there are also many kind of boys: the bad boys, the good ones, the players, the pretty boys and so on. and basically when i read it it made em realize how LONELY i was l0l. no seriously though. like all these girls have soooooooo many boyfriends and i'm here getting older and i could count all of my boyfriends with one hand. i hope this doesn't make me sound sound sorry for myself because i'm not but it made me just realize how pitiful my life is. if that last statement didn't make sense ot anyone then just pretend like you didn't read it at all. and well what i'm basically worried about is catching the wrong boy....or falling for the wrong one. IF i get any at all.
and that's by blog because i don't really know how to word the rest of my thoughts and i'm getting frustrated so bye.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Shawty i BE Bl0GGiN!
lmao ignore the title.
this is my 3rd blog. i think. hold up let me check again.
yes it is in fact my third blog. man i so don't do much on this site.
well today was a good day so i thought I'd write a little before going to sleep.
Yesterday we had no school because of the snow. it was awesome and i want to upload the video i made in the snow but then i gotta edit it, upload it on youtube, wait for the crap to process then copy AND then PASTE it on here. too much work l0l.
anyways so today i made a new friend. she's really nice. no i take that back. that girl is sarcastic as i don't know what but she's funny. i talked to her before but today i realized i have a LOT in common with her. (even though she's the spawn of the devil l0l) and it was nice talking to her.
AND OMG I ALMOST DIED TODAY!! MY AP TEACHER WASN'T THERE!!! AND I MISSED HIM SO MUCH LMAO!
but other than that I'm ok. i saw a quote on photobucket i think? and it said, "you have to be happy, if you are then everything else will fall into place."
and I'm just now realizing it's kind of true. Because if i decide I'm going to have a good day, i most of the time do. but if i don't. It ends up being a depressing day, so I'd like to share that.
This is such a boring blog. i have nothing else to say. ughhh and i thought I'd write a lot. OK now let me think......oh yeah now i know EXACTLY what I'm going to write about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't think I'll be hanging out with Dex much longer...or anymore. Because they're like corrupting me. It's true what they say about bad character corrupting the good one. i thought for once it would go the other way around but it DIDN'T!!
i found myself cursing this weekend. and i Don't even curse. i found myself saying all sort of stuff too. like wtf? doesn't make any sense. and then i realized that i get most of it from him.
NO see i like me the way i was in 9th grade (partially). i like NOT cursing and being good and all that other crap. Now i feel this power within me like i can shut anybody down or belittle anyone and i can do whatever the freak i want.
and i mean i can but i feel this thing, and it's bad because i was daydreaming about fighting someone today. i know i know, I'm weird. and i don't want to say this in fear of offending someone but i feel like a PAGAN! i mean i am but you know i always felt this innocence to me.
now i feel like I'm losing ALL of it.
matter of fact ignore everything i typed. that's what I'm trying to say.
"I Feel Like I'm Losing My Innocence."
that's basically what I'm trying to say. and no, not in the "sex" way. But just in general. I'm loosing the sweet nice girl and becoming a monster drawn by other people.
So from now on I'll try my hardest to not hang out with people that influence me the wrong way because i DO NOT want to become something I've always avoided.
you know what i mean?
well that's pretty much my blog.
and oh I'll be praying for my AP teacher in surgery. can you believe he has Hernia? I thought i was gross but I'll live =]]
this is my 3rd blog. i think. hold up let me check again.
yes it is in fact my third blog. man i so don't do much on this site.
well today was a good day so i thought I'd write a little before going to sleep.
Yesterday we had no school because of the snow. it was awesome and i want to upload the video i made in the snow but then i gotta edit it, upload it on youtube, wait for the crap to process then copy AND then PASTE it on here. too much work l0l.
anyways so today i made a new friend. she's really nice. no i take that back. that girl is sarcastic as i don't know what but she's funny. i talked to her before but today i realized i have a LOT in common with her. (even though she's the spawn of the devil l0l) and it was nice talking to her.
AND OMG I ALMOST DIED TODAY!! MY AP TEACHER WASN'T THERE!!! AND I MISSED HIM SO MUCH LMAO!
but other than that I'm ok. i saw a quote on photobucket i think? and it said, "you have to be happy, if you are then everything else will fall into place."
and I'm just now realizing it's kind of true. Because if i decide I'm going to have a good day, i most of the time do. but if i don't. It ends up being a depressing day, so I'd like to share that.
This is such a boring blog. i have nothing else to say. ughhh and i thought I'd write a lot. OK now let me think......oh yeah now i know EXACTLY what I'm going to write about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't think I'll be hanging out with Dex much longer...or anymore. Because they're like corrupting me. It's true what they say about bad character corrupting the good one. i thought for once it would go the other way around but it DIDN'T!!
i found myself cursing this weekend. and i Don't even curse. i found myself saying all sort of stuff too. like wtf? doesn't make any sense. and then i realized that i get most of it from him.
NO see i like me the way i was in 9th grade (partially). i like NOT cursing and being good and all that other crap. Now i feel this power within me like i can shut anybody down or belittle anyone and i can do whatever the freak i want.
and i mean i can but i feel this thing, and it's bad because i was daydreaming about fighting someone today. i know i know, I'm weird. and i don't want to say this in fear of offending someone but i feel like a PAGAN! i mean i am but you know i always felt this innocence to me.
now i feel like I'm losing ALL of it.
matter of fact ignore everything i typed. that's what I'm trying to say.
"I Feel Like I'm Losing My Innocence."
that's basically what I'm trying to say. and no, not in the "sex" way. But just in general. I'm loosing the sweet nice girl and becoming a monster drawn by other people.
So from now on I'll try my hardest to not hang out with people that influence me the wrong way because i DO NOT want to become something I've always avoided.
you know what i mean?
well that's pretty much my blog.
and oh I'll be praying for my AP teacher in surgery. can you believe he has Hernia? I thought i was gross but I'll live =]]
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
there's only so much one can take
i feel bad because I'd rather make videos than write blogs but today i have something to write about though.
The school i go to. i realize what makes me so sad half the time over there. No, it's not the fact that i miss my friends even though that is a humongous part of it. i feel like a piece of the puzzle who doesn't belong there. It's like i watch myself too much when I'm in school. I'm never comfortable, never relaxed or anything.
I AM SO SELF-CONSCIOUS EVERY TIME I'M AT SCHOOL.
it never happened at my old school. i never looked at myself and compared myself to other girls, not because i was being conceited and looking down on them but because i didn't think it mattered. People still talked to me and i could care less.
Here it's so different. i feel downgraded. I'm forever self-conscious. i pay attention to the most stupid things. i feel like the one thing that doesn't belong there.
you know how when you're doing a puzzle and there's ALWAYS this one piece that you think is going to fit somewhere and you keep trying and trying to put it there so it'd fit but it NEVER does?
yeah--I'm that piece. and it hurts so much to see half the puzzle made up and knowing i can never be part of it.
i don't know. I wasn't much of a materialistic person but now i feel like i need a LOT of things. it shouldn't matter to me. it didn't before.
This school killed a part of my soul. and no I'm not overreacting.
i call them all douche bags (with the exception of a few) but those douche bags can make your life hell without even speaking TO you. that's how bad it is.
Ok i say this all the time but yes they ARE rich and i can't help it but compare myself to them. It's like everything they do and everything they have that i don't. and i DO NOT want to feel bad about it but i do. i feel like "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?" every time i step into that hellhole.
And i know it seems like i'm complaining but i'm just sayin what i feel. And what i feel is PAIN 24/7.
i don't know how to explain it. i tried the puzzle thing, maybe you'll get that. but sometimes i just want to go to nowhere.
where no one wil bother me.
where no one will look at me.
where no one wil talk to me.
where no one will hear me but ME.
I can't even describe some of the stuff here. i feel like trash most of the time and i cannot stand the girl i've become. ok I'm going off topic here. back on subject.
The whole point is, it comes to a point where i can't take any of this pain anymore. It's all stored uo inside of me and i used to let it out physically but that doesn't help it. It feels nice for like a good 2 minutes but the pain is always there. what am i supposed to do?
and yes i know there's only two more years of high school left but there's FOREVER of my life left too. i can only suck it up for so much. sometimes it goes over the top and i don't know what to do.
The school i go to. i realize what makes me so sad half the time over there. No, it's not the fact that i miss my friends even though that is a humongous part of it. i feel like a piece of the puzzle who doesn't belong there. It's like i watch myself too much when I'm in school. I'm never comfortable, never relaxed or anything.
I AM SO SELF-CONSCIOUS EVERY TIME I'M AT SCHOOL.
it never happened at my old school. i never looked at myself and compared myself to other girls, not because i was being conceited and looking down on them but because i didn't think it mattered. People still talked to me and i could care less.
Here it's so different. i feel downgraded. I'm forever self-conscious. i pay attention to the most stupid things. i feel like the one thing that doesn't belong there.
you know how when you're doing a puzzle and there's ALWAYS this one piece that you think is going to fit somewhere and you keep trying and trying to put it there so it'd fit but it NEVER does?
yeah--I'm that piece. and it hurts so much to see half the puzzle made up and knowing i can never be part of it.
i don't know. I wasn't much of a materialistic person but now i feel like i need a LOT of things. it shouldn't matter to me. it didn't before.
This school killed a part of my soul. and no I'm not overreacting.
i call them all douche bags (with the exception of a few) but those douche bags can make your life hell without even speaking TO you. that's how bad it is.
Ok i say this all the time but yes they ARE rich and i can't help it but compare myself to them. It's like everything they do and everything they have that i don't. and i DO NOT want to feel bad about it but i do. i feel like "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?" every time i step into that hellhole.
And i know it seems like i'm complaining but i'm just sayin what i feel. And what i feel is PAIN 24/7.
i don't know how to explain it. i tried the puzzle thing, maybe you'll get that. but sometimes i just want to go to nowhere.
where no one wil bother me.
where no one will look at me.
where no one wil talk to me.
where no one will hear me but ME.
I can't even describe some of the stuff here. i feel like trash most of the time and i cannot stand the girl i've become. ok I'm going off topic here. back on subject.
The whole point is, it comes to a point where i can't take any of this pain anymore. It's all stored uo inside of me and i used to let it out physically but that doesn't help it. It feels nice for like a good 2 minutes but the pain is always there. what am i supposed to do?
and yes i know there's only two more years of high school left but there's FOREVER of my life left too. i can only suck it up for so much. sometimes it goes over the top and i don't know what to do.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
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