there's only so much one can take

i feel bad because I'd rather make videos than write blogs but today i have something to write about though.

The school i go to. i realize what makes me so sad half the time over there. No, it's not the fact that i miss my friends even though that is a humongous part of it. i feel like a piece of the puzzle who doesn't belong there. It's like i watch myself too much when I'm in school. I'm never comfortable, never relaxed or anything.

I AM SO SELF-CONSCIOUS EVERY TIME I'M AT SCHOOL.

it never happened at my old school. i never looked at myself and compared myself to other girls, not because i was being conceited and looking down on them but because i didn't think it mattered. People still talked to me and i could care less.
Here it's so different. i feel downgraded. I'm forever self-conscious. i pay attention to the most stupid things. i feel like the one thing that doesn't belong there.
you know how when you're doing a puzzle and there's ALWAYS this one piece that you think is going to fit somewhere and you keep trying and trying to put it there so it'd fit but it NEVER does?
yeah--I'm that piece. and it hurts so much to see half the puzzle made up and knowing i can never be part of it.
i don't know. I wasn't much of a materialistic person but now i feel like i need a LOT of things. it shouldn't matter to me. it didn't before.
This school killed a part of my soul. and no I'm not overreacting.
i call them all douche bags (with the exception of a few) but those douche bags can make your life hell without even speaking TO you. that's how bad it is.
Ok i say this all the time but yes they ARE rich and i can't help it but compare myself to them. It's like everything they do and everything they have that i don't. and i DO NOT want to feel bad about it but i do. i feel like "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?" every time i step into that hellhole.
And i know it seems like i'm complaining but i'm just sayin what i feel. And what i feel is PAIN 24/7.
i don't know how to explain it. i tried the puzzle thing, maybe you'll get that. but sometimes i just want to go to nowhere.
where no one wil bother me.
where no one will look at me.
where no one wil talk to me.
where no one will hear me but ME.
I can't even describe some of the stuff here. i feel like trash most of the time and i cannot stand the girl i've become. ok I'm going off topic here. back on subject.

The whole point is, it comes to a point where i can't take any of this pain anymore. It's all stored uo inside of me and i used to let it out physically but that doesn't help it. It feels nice for like a good 2 minutes but the pain is always there. what am i supposed to do?
and yes i know there's only two more years of high school left but there's FOREVER of my life left too. i can only suck it up for so much. sometimes it goes over the top and i don't know what to do.

First blog

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