i like NERDS!

l0l about the title.
ok i really have nothing to blog about
but uhh i just felt like writing something on here cuz it's been forever
so i'm not wearing make-up to school anymore guys
I LIKE NERDS!!!
ooooo and i LIKE Mexicans too. they're the hottest =]
i like Ice Cream
i like running (i know. big surprise)
i like writing
i like to sing in the shower
i like Adele
i like music
i like MI COMPUTADORA!!!
i like math
i like lame things
i like being lame
i like looking lost (at times)
i like being good
i like following God
i like chocolate
i like people who are not stuck up
i like TAYLOR LAUTNER
i like cute butts l0l
and i LOVE My GOD!!!

seriously, miracles can happen
i cant talk but God is AMAZING!!
and he loves you therefore you should go talk to him
he'll accept you no matter what
that's the great thing about it
and he'll LOVE you

and i love Chris Tomlin too

ok maybe the blog was pointless
but you read it haha l0l
ok byyyyyyyyeeeee

the reasons-i need a release

no one said you couldn't vent on blogger about the reason why you're unhappy
so here i go

i am angry because i'm living in the past
i am angry because i feel sorry for myself all the time
i am angry because i have to look at ME
i am angry because i don't look the way i'm SUPPOSED to look
i am angry because people tell me everything is going to be all right
i am angry because people treat us wrong because we're Africans
i am angry because out of the 100 pictures i take, i can only find one good enough
i am angry because i do not feel pretty
i am angry because i have to put eyeliner on to go to school so people will not focus on my FUCKING face
i am angry because i cry about things i cannot tell anyone
i am angry because i watch Cinderella and Snow White in order to feel something and be happy for someone
i am angry because i watch those shows to actually believe in something
i am angry because i am surrounded by people who are so pretty i'm like a maid compared to them
i am angry because i think about love every now and then and wonder stuff
i am angry because i hate feeling lonely
i am angry because i'm so fucking ugly
i am angry because i hate staring at ME
i am angry because i hate the way i've turned out
i am angry because i have to wake up and see the weight i've gained
i am angry because my tummy looks like an obese rat's stomach
i am angry because i cannot look anyone in the eye
i am angry because no one wants me
i am angry because i KNOW that i will never be able to attract a boy
i am angry because i hide my tummy in a sweater everyday
i am angry because i watch movies with happy endings and that never seems to be the case for me
i am angry because everyday i look at this quote from Juno and i cry
i am angry because i'm hiding myself
i am angry because i gave up on me
i am angry because i envy other people that i do not want to envy
i am angry because i live here
i am angry because i've lost each and every single one of my connections to God
i am angry because i live here and i haven't FOUND anything to live for yet--besides God
i am angry because i wanna be happy yet i can never achieve that
i am angry because i want to be other people besides myself
i am angry that i'm awake at night crying about MEEEE!
and i am so FUCKING angry that i'm so damn emotional

and im so FUCKING sorry if you read this and it disturbed you but honestly i don't give two fucks.

the rain

so i barely blog but i just HAD to blog about today.
today was a contemplating day. it wasn't happy nor sad. and the best part about it was when i walked home from school. actually let me replay my day for you.

i woke up EXTRA late on purpose. all because we stay in homeroom for 3 hours 4 days out of this week and i did not feel like sitting there and writing an essay. After that the classes were a blur. i can't even remember myself walking to 1st period. During the classes i felt like i was someone else. it was like looking at the world through someone else's eyes. i felt like a was in daze. i wasn't even there. but i did do my work. after third period (last period) i didn't want to take the bus home because the ride was way too long and i just knew i would get carsick. so Michelle gave me her umbrella and i walked home in the rain. I'm really starting to like that girl. i think she's like the only person i really like at that school. I;ve become very very fond of her.

well so yeah i walked home in the rain. i know i'm an oddball. no one would EVER want to walk home when it's raining. especially if you're black. but i did. and i enjoyed it.
the breeze was so cold and soft, the sound of the rain was perfect and it was amazing. i thought about a lot, but it wasn't unpleasant things. it was about....things. anyways it was just perfect. then when i got to the entrance of my subdivision (gwinnett word), i took off my shoe and put the umbrella down. and it was thee BEST thing ever. i could not imagine a more perfect afternoon. i know it may seem like "wtf is wrong with her"but i honestly just don't care. it was perfect. i hope it rains more. i came home soaked but i didn't mind. i wanted to take a picture of how i looked but my father locked the laptop away in his room so i couldn't do it.

overall i just felt like i had to blog about it for some reason ya know? and now i have to get off the computer because i have an AP exam for tomorrow and i need to start studying for it now if i want to get done by midnight l0l jk. but i do want to get done studying before eight so bye.

one of those good nights

today went perfect. almost. but you know it's cause nothing's perfect. i went to Golden Coral and to the movies with Kim, Linda and Marisol. it was great because i ate healthy food...somewhat. and i got lost going to the bathroom l0l. but it was still a great night. and after we went to see the haunting in Connecticut. that movie got me so scared Emma and Madonna are sleeping with me tonight. and i barely want them in my room. they're right next to me right now. but it was good. I'll probably get over it tomorrow. I'm listening to Adele right now typing this. i LOVE her. and after the movies there were these HOT boys outside of the movie theater l0l. and we took pictures. after that i came home and my parents were in a good mood so they're letting me use the laptop. which is where I'm typing all of this. i guess i'm happy because the day didn't end badly.

I also got really into slam poetry. i cannot stop watching some people. someone like Rafael Casal should be famous, as a matter of fact all of them should be famous because they deserve to be. they are so freaking talented that i don't even know why they live in this corrupt world. It's like they need to live in another world. Their view on life and women and children are so freaking amazing i just wish every boy was like them it would make the world so much better. or a woman's world so much better. and some of them are pretty hot too. i would recommend ANYONE to get on youtube and to just type in Def Slam Poetry and you'd be amazed at what you hear. I'm going to do one soon so just keep an open eye l0l. all right I'm done with blogging. i gotta go and watch some more people on youtube.

Blaze is FORCING me to BLOG!

ok so here i go blogging about my nonsense life and my destroyed mentality. I'm going to use many metaphors or simile or whatever in this post.(ok so i realized i didn't use a lot throughout the rest of the blog) why? because i feel like it and i realize i truly have a deep hate in my heart. it comes out little by little. i realized it i think the day before yesterday. so i decided to change. I'll just fade into the background and not talk and just be the quiet little good girl i always was.

so i have a new obsession besides Asian boys. haha . as a matter of fact i don't like Asian boys all that much anymore. and i got over a LOT of people i used to like. including the old dude haha =D and all the other people i told you guys about.

i don't really have anything to talk about besides the fact that i hate my parents and i want to go to Oxford university so i can be thousands of kilometers away from them when i graduate.

so i changed my diet. yeah i'm trying to go with three HEALTHY meals a day and 2 snacks in between. healthy snacks. as soon as i get that down i'm going to start the exercising. and i heard of this park not too far away from where i live so i'm going to be running there from now on. man i need to blog about something interesting.

well here is the dude i've fell madly in love with l0l














and HIS BUTT!!!



ok now that that's over with I'll tell you about this book i read recently. it's about guys and girls. well their relationship basically. and it was just there. laid out for me like a dead body's debris haha. so i'm learning a lot about that. basically guys are dogs who like the way a girl looks. they like to "do" stuff with nice looking girls. they are so different than us in soooooo many ways. and in the book these girls are just so desperate to keep their boyfriends that they let the boys beat them around. it's horrible and stupid. at the same time there are those girls who are independent and know what they want.
there are also many kind of boys: the bad boys, the good ones, the players, the pretty boys and so on. and basically when i read it it made em realize how LONELY i was l0l. no seriously though. like all these girls have soooooooo many boyfriends and i'm here getting older and i could count all of my boyfriends with one hand. i hope this doesn't make me sound sound sorry for myself because i'm not but it made me just realize how pitiful my life is. if that last statement didn't make sense ot anyone then just pretend like you didn't read it at all. and well what i'm basically worried about is catching the wrong boy....or falling for the wrong one. IF i get any at all.
and that's by blog because i don't really know how to word the rest of my thoughts and i'm getting frustrated so bye.

Shawty i BE Bl0GGiN!

lmao ignore the title.
this is my 3rd blog. i think. hold up let me check again.

yes it is in fact my third blog. man i so don't do much on this site.
well today was a good day so i thought I'd write a little before going to sleep.
Yesterday we had no school because of the snow. it was awesome and i want to upload the video i made in the snow but then i gotta edit it, upload it on youtube, wait for the crap to process then copy AND then PASTE it on here. too much work l0l.
anyways so today i made a new friend. she's really nice. no i take that back. that girl is sarcastic as i don't know what but she's funny. i talked to her before but today i realized i have a LOT in common with her. (even though she's the spawn of the devil l0l) and it was nice talking to her.

AND OMG I ALMOST DIED TODAY!! MY AP TEACHER WASN'T THERE!!! AND I MISSED HIM SO MUCH LMAO!

but other than that I'm ok. i saw a quote on photobucket i think? and it said, "you have to be happy, if you are then everything else will fall into place."
and I'm just now realizing it's kind of true. Because if i decide I'm going to have a good day, i most of the time do. but if i don't. It ends up being a depressing day, so I'd like to share that.

This is such a boring blog. i have nothing else to say. ughhh and i thought I'd write a lot. OK now let me think......oh yeah now i know EXACTLY what I'm going to write about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i don't think I'll be hanging out with Dex much longer...or anymore. Because they're like corrupting me. It's true what they say about bad character corrupting the good one. i thought for once it would go the other way around but it DIDN'T!!
i found myself cursing this weekend. and i Don't even curse. i found myself saying all sort of stuff too. like wtf? doesn't make any sense. and then i realized that i get most of it from him.
NO see i like me the way i was in 9th grade (partially). i like NOT cursing and being good and all that other crap. Now i feel this power within me like i can shut anybody down or belittle anyone and i can do whatever the freak i want.
and i mean i can but i feel this thing, and it's bad because i was daydreaming about fighting someone today. i know i know, I'm weird. and i don't want to say this in fear of offending someone but i feel like a PAGAN! i mean i am but you know i always felt this innocence to me.
now i feel like I'm losing ALL of it.
matter of fact ignore everything i typed. that's what I'm trying to say.
"I Feel Like I'm Losing My Innocence."
that's basically what I'm trying to say. and no, not in the "sex" way. But just in general. I'm loosing the sweet nice girl and becoming a monster drawn by other people.
So from now on I'll try my hardest to not hang out with people that influence me the wrong way because i DO NOT want to become something I've always avoided.
you know what i mean?
well that's pretty much my blog.

and oh I'll be praying for my AP teacher in surgery. can you believe he has Hernia? I thought i was gross but I'll live =]]

there's only so much one can take

i feel bad because I'd rather make videos than write blogs but today i have something to write about though.

The school i go to. i realize what makes me so sad half the time over there. No, it's not the fact that i miss my friends even though that is a humongous part of it. i feel like a piece of the puzzle who doesn't belong there. It's like i watch myself too much when I'm in school. I'm never comfortable, never relaxed or anything.

I AM SO SELF-CONSCIOUS EVERY TIME I'M AT SCHOOL.

it never happened at my old school. i never looked at myself and compared myself to other girls, not because i was being conceited and looking down on them but because i didn't think it mattered. People still talked to me and i could care less.
Here it's so different. i feel downgraded. I'm forever self-conscious. i pay attention to the most stupid things. i feel like the one thing that doesn't belong there.
you know how when you're doing a puzzle and there's ALWAYS this one piece that you think is going to fit somewhere and you keep trying and trying to put it there so it'd fit but it NEVER does?
yeah--I'm that piece. and it hurts so much to see half the puzzle made up and knowing i can never be part of it.
i don't know. I wasn't much of a materialistic person but now i feel like i need a LOT of things. it shouldn't matter to me. it didn't before.
This school killed a part of my soul. and no I'm not overreacting.
i call them all douche bags (with the exception of a few) but those douche bags can make your life hell without even speaking TO you. that's how bad it is.
Ok i say this all the time but yes they ARE rich and i can't help it but compare myself to them. It's like everything they do and everything they have that i don't. and i DO NOT want to feel bad about it but i do. i feel like "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?" every time i step into that hellhole.
And i know it seems like i'm complaining but i'm just sayin what i feel. And what i feel is PAIN 24/7.
i don't know how to explain it. i tried the puzzle thing, maybe you'll get that. but sometimes i just want to go to nowhere.
where no one wil bother me.
where no one will look at me.
where no one wil talk to me.
where no one will hear me but ME.
I can't even describe some of the stuff here. i feel like trash most of the time and i cannot stand the girl i've become. ok I'm going off topic here. back on subject.

The whole point is, it comes to a point where i can't take any of this pain anymore. It's all stored uo inside of me and i used to let it out physically but that doesn't help it. It feels nice for like a good 2 minutes but the pain is always there. what am i supposed to do?
and yes i know there's only two more years of high school left but there's FOREVER of my life left too. i can only suck it up for so much. sometimes it goes over the top and i don't know what to do.